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To all you guys!

Halgar !

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

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Well, I'm a slave to even my own rules...



Possibly my favorite joke of all time:

Two guys are standing around talking when one of them notices a dog near by licking his balls. The one guy says to the other "Man I wish I could do that." The other guy says "Well, you probably oughtta pet him first."

So theres a doctor and he's giving a tour of the hospital to this wowan thats a big donor to it.
As theyre walking down the hall, the woman looks in a room and sees a patient vigorously masturbating.
She looks at the doctor and says "jeez, whats going on in there ...."
The doctor replies "he has a condition where if he doesnt relieve himself 6-7 times a day, his testicles will swell up n explode".
They continue walking and a little further down the hall the woman looks in another room and sees a nurse giving a guy a hand job. Shocked, she looks at the doctor and asks "Look, whats that going on in there. Whats wrong with him"
The doctor replies "Same condition, better insurance".

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat...?"
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife".
"Ex-wife!" she screams "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't".

Well this has been happening more than I'd like.



You think this joke isn't funny until you say it out loud in your best Pirate voice.

Why did the Pirate travel by ship?

Because he couldn't drive a CARRRRRR!

When you said Pirate I thought for sure you were going for the "it's driving me nuts"

gomachv wrote:When you said Pirate I thought for sure you were going for the "it's driving me nuts"

I think I posted that joke in a random thread on night. Very late...

Hmmm...two nights in a row...
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Noticed I was a loner about 9:40 this morning...didn't have time then to type out a joke, so here goes:

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

Buuuump... Sorry!

Guy- "Can I smell your underwear?"
Girl- "No!"
Guy- "Must be your feet."

THEYTOOKMYTHUMB wrote: ↑Sat May 02, 2015 12:28 am You think this joke isn't funny until you say it out loud in your best Pirate voice.

Same premise.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

AYE MATEY!

City guy buys a hobby farm, with the farm comes 3 female pigs.

He finds out the farmer up the road has a prize boar pig and he thinks if I can get the farmers male pig to fix them

up he can make a lot of money.


He goes up the road and asks the farmer if he can get his prize male pig to fix up these 3 female pigs.

The farmer says no bloody way, this is a prize boar pig he can't be fixing up any old female pigs.

The city guy says I really need some money what can I do, the farmer says well you can fix them up yourself.

So the city guy thinks about this and says to the farmer, no that can't be right, the farmer again says yes you can.

The city guy goes o.k then but how will I know they are pregnant, the farmer says you will know because when

they are pregnant they will run round in circles.


The city guy doesn't want his wife to find out so he loads them up into the back of his ute and takes them out to

the bush and fixes them up, then he takes them home and puts them into their pen and the next day he goes out

to see if they are running around in circles but they aren't doing anything different, so again he loads them up in

the back of the ute, back out to the bush and fixes them up again and home back to their pen again next day

looking to see if they are running around in circles, this goes on for a month nothing changes, finally he is laying in

bed worn out, so he yells out to his wife are those pigs doing anything different?

funny you should ask that, she says,

2 are in the back of the ute and the other one is sitting in the front tooting the horn.

Well, guess what happened...

What's the difference between a Garbanzo bean and a Chickpea?
Well, I've never paid to have a Garbanzo bean on my face.

Sorry! Day off!