Depression/Suicidal Thoughts...

[FasterLouder]

I've suffered severe clinical depression for years and suicide is on my mind,yet again.
I've been to shrinks,through cognitive behaviour therapy,anti-depressants and various other "treatments",but it's just getting worse.
The insomina has escalated to runs of 3 days without sleep.
I don't know what to do...I just want out.
Nothing is holding my interest.
I feel useless and a burden to society .

I know this probably isn't the place to discuss this topic,but I feel at home,here.
Just lookin for a thread of hope,or inspiration.

If anyone feels this thread is innapropriate,let me know and I'll delete it.

[Bormac]

Mate Im realy sorry to hear about this and I feel for you. I dont consider myself someone who knows a great deal about this kind of stuff but have you tried getting out into the fresh air that New Zealand has on offer?
What I mean is, you live in possibly one of the most pure and natural unspoilt places on earth and have so many awesome sights to take in. If it were me I'd beg, borrow or steal to travel through your countries natural wonderland. This in my opinion might give you a new challenge to undertake and hopefuly build your esteem.
Does this all sound silly?

[bearrickster]

Bormac that is well said, I to hope you can hold on. I personaly know you have made a great difference in my life. I enjoy all the times we talk on the phone, and all of the tradeing we do. and if I could find a job, I would be on a plane coming to vist you my good friend. my wife is even looking foward to coming to meet you and haveing you show us around your beautiful country. I know we all are a family on here, so we ,I will do anything I possiblity can to help you out. let me know what you need, I dont want to lose you brother. I want to see my Torino parked next to that Bad Ass Capri of yours both of them finished and looking good. you have my phone number call any time you need to talk day or night brother.

[vintage racer]

When your really depressed you dont care about anything.Infact its worse being depressed in a beuatifull place cause it makes you feel like you shouldnt be depressed.Mate I have been there.Mine was self inflicted buy smoking pot everyday from the age of 15 untill I decided enough was enough about 1 year ago.The first 6 months was worse and I wondered if I should just keep smoking.I have had doctors write scripts but I just didnt get them.My Father recently passed from cancer and I had to quit as I was running him up to the hospital mast days for chemo and radiation therapy and this was the main reason for me quiting as when I smoked I wouldnt leave the house nevermind go to a hospital.Seeing him go through that made me wake up and realise I must get fit and healthy.Im sorry if it sounds like Im going on about myself,Im just trying to offer some advice from experience,hang in there,even when you have no interest in the things you normally love,hang out with your familly if you have any,even if you have to force yourself and if your on any sort of drugs like pot etc piss it off,it will take time but you will feel better.I found I had to find mates that didnt smoke and had similar interests and these 2 freinds have really helped allot.Share with your close freinds and tell them how your feeling but dont go on about it all the time,listen to them and what they have been up to,it helps to hear about other peoples lives so your not thinking about your own.Just hang in ther dude I know its easy to say.If you want to talk PM me and Ill give you my number or you can give me yours.

[Bormac]

I dont know what kind of lifestyle you lead or what keeps you busy but Ive been told that excercise releases good endorfins to your brain. Thats why some people become excercise junkie.
Is there anything else you can tell us about your life which may be a contributing factor to your condition? IE: over worked, relationship breakdown with partner/friends/family? Drugs/Alcohol?
I believe there has to be an answer out there for you and I pray you find it.

Im sorry if any of these questions seem to be prying. Tell only what you are comfortable with.

[tizeye]

Get your butt down here for a break Brendan..see another part of the country and I'll even let you play with my toys..

[besty22]

Hi Brendan.
I am no expert on depression.
I don't know you or your situation aside from what you posted.
I just wanted to give you my point if view to take or leave.
I hate to see anyone not happy with thier life but it seems more and more
common these days.
I see from previous posts that you have some mates
and while some don't live near you, they seem to be mates just the same and that is something
that some people don't have at all.
I hope you get through it and am going to tell you a short story,
hopefully it will give you some hope.
Back in 1997 I was diagnosed with cancer. It was as bad as you could imagine.
For the first few days I was doing the "why me's" like any cancer patient, then I started thinking "f$@k that "
The next few months I had an operation followed by chemo sprinkled with a crap load of ct scans
and xrays. It was draining and I always felt like crap but I kept thinking " I am gonna get through it"
after about 5 months I got the all clear and that was followed by ten years of check ups.
Let me tell you that I am very glad to be here. I sometimes think about what I
would have missed if I had died.
I would have missed a few bad times but a whole lot
more good times. In the last ten years I have made so many friends on places like this and
in organizations I have joined. I have re kindled my love of Rc which led me to this forum
and that has allowed us to meet electronically at least.
If I had gone this conversation would never have happened.
I know this is a long, round about post but I just wanted to say that you are
here and that is a good thing. I hope you get through your depression and
live a long long time to come. There is so much you will accomplish and experience and so many
friends you are yet to make.
I hope some of this makes sense.
Pm me anytime if you want to talk
Chris

[FasterLouder]

Thanks for all the kind words and great advice,everyone.
I know I can count on my friends,but I feel like I'm burdening them with my crap,ya know?
I'm a past drug (ab)user,but I've been a long time clean.
I'd love to get out more and see some parts of the country I havent seen,but I also suffer severe panic attacks that have me feeling like I was hit by a train,by the time I get home.
Yep,broke up with my fiance a few months ago,too.
I guess it's just a slow buildup of stuff and it came real close to breaking point,today...Had an X-Acto knife at my wrist for 10 minutes...Threw it away,took BORMAC's advise,went out and gave my newly aquired REVO one hell of a beating!
That made me smile for the first time in a while.
I can't say,or thank my friends enough for helping me through the rough patches.
Thanks again to all who have posted,I'm not feeling as bad asI was and I'll be around tomorrow.

[RETRO R/C]

Brendan,

PM me mate.

Just always please remember that the people that you leave behind suffer as much if not more than you are now. There is love for you everywhere mate, your eyes are clouded at the moment - but you will see through the haze of depression again. Stay with it - your life is special - not just to you.

All the best

Darryn

[besty22]

Great news Brendan
Driving a fast rc car always makes you smile.

[karnivool]

fantasic that your feeling a little better brendan. ive sent you a personal email my friend. please call when ever you need to day or night. your a legend and dont ever forget it. much respect

[karnivool]

might be worth a peruse brendan

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?

[MelvinsArmy]

I've been there. Glad to hear you're feeling a little better now. The only advice I have is that when you do start to feel this way, get the hell out of the house. Seek out a good friend, or anyone who will listen. Just go talk to someone, it doesn't even have to be about your depression. It seems that when I've been depressed it's because nothing is going on and/or nothing is going right. Obviously a recent break up can't help much either. When you are in the dumps, you can't see the positive things life has to offer, the negativity seems to compound on itself. You gotta break out of it. I know that's easy to tell someone over the internet, but speaking from personal experience, it's the truth. Go for a short road trip and explore the next town over, go chill out by a river near you, go ride your bike, talk to a friend, rebuild and drive one of your favorite r/c's, go see a movie or a concert. Anything to take your mind off it.

You can PM if you want as well. Even if we're on opposite sides of the planet, I'm still happy to talk with you about this stuff. I understand how you're feeling, I've been there myself.

[shodog]

Lots of good advice from others. I can speak to one thing. Don't think you're burdening your friends by talking about your depression.

With my recent divorce I was was really depressed. I took medication for it but felt even more depressed that I had to take drugs just to make me feel okay. The one thing that helped me through it all was my friends and family. Like you, I know they were tired of hearing the same old crap about my ex but in the end there were there for me and I am hugely grateful.

So when you're feeling down, call a friend and talk it out. Don't think they are regretting answering your call because the call they are really regretting to get is the one about you taking your life.

Jim

[rctenracer]

I have been there . I am a recovering alcoholic and drug user.Clean now for ten years. It all started when my wife passed away. I just want to say you are not the only one. depression does take it toll on ones life. the hardest thing for me was talking about my problems to others. you took that step and look at all the freinds you have on RC10TALK. you can PM me anytime.Your RC10TALK friend Dave.